Quiet Easter Sunday

It is Easter Sunday and there is no hunting for hidden eggs, candy or otherwise. The boys are grown and such traditions are left to the younger members of the family. My regular egg hunt takes place in the barn. Incidentally I have eggs that should hatch today and tomorrow! Barnyard mix from a different barnyard so it should be a bit different from the mix I have.

Perhaps I should visit my Mother, who I have placed in a long term care residence. That took place on my Birthday of all days. I wrote about this on Facebook not to garner sympathy but to prove that things happen regardless if the sun shines or lightning strikes or it's your birthday etc... Life is like that and if you are a devoted reader, you will see that I frequently say "Things happen for a reason although the reason may not be evident right away." And I continue to believe this is true. Since October, I have had to make difficult decisions rooted in emotion. Those are the most difficult ones. But, if you have a goal or know the best outcome should be, decision making becomes easier and something that one needs not agonize for a lengthy time. Since then, I seem to have become a little more self-assured to the point of being bold when it comes to the workplace. I am now fighting for a higher position or two and fight I will. Tired of being overlooked and not satisfied with the voices that say" at least you still have a job"I will continue to challenge management until I see what I want in way of remuneration. Oh, where did that quiet girl go??

This sudden assertiveness has helped me deal with my Mother also. She calls, says nasty things and hangs up. She can't manage to leave a proper message. Last weekend, I calmly told her while explaining to her why she can't go home. Of course she was angry but she needed to hear the truth instead of the sugar-coated half truths that everyone is feeding her. I wasn't mean, I had answers for all her questions and she proved to me yet again that her ability to think has been severely impaired. I told her to look around the residence. Everyone there would like to go home also but it's just not meant to be.

Meanwhile, no lambs, no wool has been skirted, washed, nothing. I am exhausted physically and mentally and need some time to think through my next steps. I have very little inventory for the next Farmers' market season but I did break down and start knitting a pair of socks for "myself". Baby steps in the healing process of having to make the difficult decisions and awaiting the next ones.

Mommy Dearest

Once again dear readers, I apologize for my silence.

 It comes for good reasons and some very selfish.
As you may remember, my Mother suffered a stroke end of October. She has had them before and had shown signs of dementia even prior to that. This time, I knew what was coming but needed someone in an official-doctor-authority figure to make it official. My Mother was not to return home. Three days prior to her discharge, the social worker had suggested making alternate arrangements to returning to her home, alone in an isolated area. My Mother claimed the entire time that nothing was wrong with her head but they could not fix her arm that was left with limited mobility thanks to the strokes.

So, I decided to send her where her sister lives. A newer, nice retirement home. Time was of the essence and i figured that having someone she knew would maybe make the adjustment a bit easier. Here I am, going about my life and then hit with the reality that I am now legally responsible for my Mother, much like having another child. At my age, not a welcome responsibility. It also means finding and arranging transportation upon discharge, to appointments etc...

Due to me working and to the level of stress I was feeling, the fact that I don't have a credit card to book someone to escort my Mother from the hospital to retirement home, my husband had the dirty deed of taking her. She had to be sedated: the hospital expected her not to be very accepting. She yelled and cried because all she wanted was to go home. My husband tried to comfort her by saying it would much like staying at a resort for a little while. Much more happened and very painful to even begin to explain how guilty and emotional it left me feeling. Deep down I knew that I had made the right decision because she would be looked after and safe.

I visited the next day. Husband had bought a kettle and instant coffee, diet soda; I had packed a few dishes as she has a fridge and microwave in case she wanted to heat something. I was very impressed with her room. Meanwhile, the monster unleashed itself and accused me of not visiting her in hospital(not true),I was entirely at fault for her being in jail(not a cheap one) she was perfectly fine, and then she kicked me out and said I was "DEAD " to her. So we left. I have not visited since.

I explained myself to the staff, my family and the doctors. They understood. My mother then started to tell some resident that she wanted to kill me for putting her there which made them feel a little uncomfortable. My aunt was embarrassed by my Mother's outbursts and behavior. My aunt then thought it best not to speak to me because it was stressing her out. Nice.

My Mother even called 911 because she was being held against her will. Ya, she's a real peach. It was then that the doctor prescribed some meds to calm her down. Two months later,she is not as agitated but has now been declared impaired, incompetent ,unfit. She can decide what to wear and what to eat and that's about it.

 Meanwhile, I have continued to pay her bills, manage her dwindling resources spend many of my breaks and lunchtime playing phone tag to a host of members in the medical field. Now, I get to change the list of places for long term care. She is on a waiting list but she declining quickly and will sadly be out of funds for the retirement home. It costs $3500/month now because of the meds after they have been claimed through insurance.

For a while, I felt a deep resentment for all the things I had to do on behalf of this woman who wished me dead. But I understood. She was not herself and never will be again. I have many , in fact years of reasons as to why I kept my distance and there are days when I do flashback to some unpleasant days in my youth. It will take time for me to let that go. The guilt on the other hand, I was told won't ever entirely leave but will become hushed and gently put away in time.